So I know no one listens to it...

But uh...does anyone agree with me that Alexander Rybak sings like Gackt? They sound like the same person just from two different countries to me x_x. Wth.

So about the elephant in the room...

...actually its more of a dog really. And more of an absence of a dog.
My roomies have this dog named Elliot.  Had.
He passed away last night, evidently in his sleep.
Now, everyone knew it was going to happen. He lost so much weight his bones were sticking out all over. He felt like a fur-covered pile of legos. He hadn't eaten in days and barely drank water. He couldn't go to the bathroom outside without having to take a nap at the top of the stairs because the work was exhausting.
Yet when he dies people still act like it was a surprise.
I don't know if its just me. Maybe I don't feel grief anymore? But I've been here through the entire rapid degeneration of the dog and when he died and they told me about it, I got up, brushed my hair and came out to sit on the couch and listen to people without really thinking or feeling anything about it.
Its like being at a funeral for a human being.
They start making up all these stories or talking about how someone is feeling more grief than they are in order to make themselves feel better.
Its weird. And kind of irritating. But I just don't care enough to say anything. Or maybe that's just the nugget of decency in me keeping me from saying something that would upset those in a state of depression.
I don't know. I just think when he's been sick for weeks, and then he stops eating, that it should be obvious.
They should be prepared.
I don't know.
Its weird, all around. But this too shall pass.

This is what it feels like...

....when your brain melts from disuse.
I am probably the most bored I've ever been in my whole life. In the beginning this whole foot surgery thing was like a vacation of sorts. I was able to get some much needed rest, take care of a physical issue that has been holding me back most of my life and catch up with friends and family.
But now, months later, I'm running out of things to do. I'm not particularly mentally stimulated right now. Its times like this I really, really wish I were in school. Or at least that it were easier to get involved in online courses. I would give anything to have to get up and do some kind of exciting critical thinking course or English paper. Maybe spend the day reading chapters of biology or history, brushing up on my Jin Dynasty or my Seven Years War.
I'm not kidding, I hate this stagnation. I would kill to be taking classes right now, not even to get my life in order but simply because I crave education.
I wonder if that makes me boring as a person. Like...I'm only bored because I'm boring? I have no idea. I really don't care. I just wish I have some sort of goals motivating me when I wake up.
This is why the last time I was getting surgery/healing from surgery, I was tickled when the college kids had me writing their papers.
I also find it amusing that I've never taken a college course in my life but I successfully wrote for college students what they were getting their grades based on.
~_~ Why can't I be one of those lucky people with a silver spoon, or at least the good fortune to have a wealthy benefactor? Or just enough luck to get the financial aid for schooling?
Why the blazes are there people out there getting educations for -nothing-, when I really vaule it and would do something with it?
*facepalm*

Awesome SAUCE

For the record, I like Pandora's new look. There are complaints, but frankly I think it addresses a lot of the page issues, it's no longer a little boxy page in the corner of my self-indulgently large screen and you get LYRICS. No more searching janky websites for lyrics that are busted because they're written by people that never passed middle school English.

In other news, I've finished all of Dr. Who and all of Torchwood. If you love me....you'll buy it for me. I have nothing else to do but wait for new episodes now and I personally HATE waiting for television shows to produce. Its why I didn't start watching CSI like a new religion until after they packed six seasons on dvds. Not shitting you.

My snake refuses to eat his mice. The little shit is all shed-up and shiny. he's clean, the tank in humid and warm. Its an ideal environment and he is STILL picky. The stupid shop feeds live so we've got live mice sitting around. I hate live feeding. Hello, lets make them more aggressive. Dammit.

My chihuahua is giving me the most disparaging looks ever, now, because I'm making him wear a pink harness with butterflies on it. I would like to convey to him in dog-speak that if he didn't leave the yard to run in front of cars, he wouldn't need the damned thing. Anyone translate?

Also, talking to my grandfather again after nearly a decade of silence is...strangely relieving. It was weird getting money from him out of the blue, and I still feel kind of sick having taken it, but when you're being forced into a dark little hole of no income by your Nazi job, you don't have a lot of choice where you accept hand-outs from.

PS: Nothing cheers you up faster than 80's music. I find it funny Maneater plays for me every time I start it up. I'll take that as a compliment, thank you Pandora.

Merci...

I want to tell my sister that a large part of why her relationship is failing is her fault, but her response will be screaming, cursing, rolling her eyes and a variety of other means of expressing that she's ignoring me and believe everything anyone else says is wrong because she knows all.
Her relationship is a series of arguments and ultimatums initiated by her, usually. Her boyfriend is not the type to start an argument. He definitely instigates when he should be more mature, but he's a 21 year old kid. He likes getting a rise out of people. He likes picking on his girlfriend and playing too much. He's at a point in his life where he's at his least intelligent and most reckless and irresponsible.
He only ever complains about her when she goes bat-shit and starts screaming at him, calling him a fucking idiot, a retarded piece of shit and other derogatory things that would have been the end of a relationship for me.
When she gets drunk she's a raging bitch to everyone and I find her practically impossible to tolerate, yet he still manages to tolerate her twice as long as the last person to drop out of the race.
He takes all of her shit and rolls with it better than most sane people would, but she seems entirely incapable of offering him the same. Everything he does makes her angry. They live together, he was working two jobs and they didn't get to hang out much but when he has free time he wants to shoot the breeze with his friends and play golf or Madden or what have you. She goes nuts because she feels he should be spending all of his free time with her, but she's attacking him for that free time on his first solid day off.
I understand it from her perspective, I really do. I do believe they should spend a little more time together. However were I in his position, I wouldn't -want- to spend much time with her because she turns into an insufferable bitch when things aren't going exactly as she wants. If he answers the phone when they're doing something or makes a joke at her expense or doesn't find a subject she's discussing 100% compelling she immediately goes off on him and starts calling him names or complaining about beef from weeks in the past.
One thing you never do is bring old shit to a new argument, but try telling her that.
She's impossible to explain anything to and never wants to see things from anyone's point of view but her own. She's totally unreasonable, so how do you reason with her and make her see that if the relationship fails, its her fault as much as anyone else's?
I don't want them to break up because they're two stupid kids. If they break up it ought to be for a legit reason, but what the hell does someone say to a kid that throws her cellphone when she's pissed, of a kid that laughs everything off and never takes anything half as seriously as they should?
Geez-oh-petes.

His name is Septimus, and he is my son...

I got great news at the doctor today - my bones are healing very fast and very well, and I don't have to wear the boot anymore. So I decided to celebrate.
Huge, awesome meal at Geisha's, where I was quite popular with the waitress for my vast knowledge of Korean cinema and music artists. Then went to this cute little basement shop where I got some neat things for my collection of weird shit. Later, on the way home, we stopped in at a pet shop and I got a snake.
YEAH BOI.
A beautiful, dark ball python. A lovely het pied ball boy.
I have dubbed he Septimus.
He went to my stylist to meet her, and went with me to dinner where he horrified a waitress and some other customers. HAHAHAAAAA.
I loves the precious.
PS. Obviously in a weird mood. :)

Fair weather friends?

Something I don't, and never will, understand, is people who are only your friend when its convenient for them.

Either my "friend" hates me or I'm not his friend at all. I'm only there as a friend by proxy. He only cares to hang out if other friends are there. I've been begging him to hang out for weeks and get lame excuses, or none at all. Just a flat "Sorry, maybe some other time".

Frankly, I'm not even sure why I keep trying other than I don't like to think the worst about other people. Unless directly insulted by someone I try to keep giving them the benefit of a doubt, but how much is too much? When do you have to decide that a person isn't your friend at all?

I have other friends, certainly. I don't -need- more and more, and losing one won't be the end of my life. But don't other people need friends too? He might infuriate me sometimes. I'm sure I piss him off from time to time. He might get on my nerves, I might have shit to say about or to him, but everyone has some kind of problem with everyone else. No one likes everything about someone. That's not natural. the whole point is being friends and accepting someone despite the things you might not like about them. Its damned difficult when the second party doesn't even try, though.

I'm getting tired of being brushed off and treated like a nuisance. Still, how much is too much?

Hair! Books! Nails!

I've got almost no money to my name and I'm swiftly running out of time to get things straight, but you know what?
Fuck it.
I got my hair done, I got my nails done and I got myself some books. I deserve it, dammit. It looks good, too.
Sometimes the only way to heal is to change yourself or your environment. I can't do shit about the environment, so changing myself if was!
More than anything its for a guy. Sort of.
Yeah, even I'm guilty of that.
On the off, off, off chance that this guy might see me, I wanted to make sure I look good. I wanted to look good for myself ore than anything, but I wanted to look better than usual for him. He probably doesn't even know I exist, outside of our occasional conversations, but its important, you know?
It baffles me, really. Once upon a time I couldn't have cared less what a person thought about me. I didn't care to continue relationships beyond friends, and I certainly didn't want people to remember me. Now I'm almost thirty and I'm freaking out.
I'm at one of the lowest points in my life, at my least attractive. Even so, I keep on trying. If confidence and persistence are attractive features maybe I'll luck out after all, hm? One can hope.
I just wish, like many people do, that I were less invisible to the people that are most visible in my own view.

Day One

In a world full of self-absorption and inability to socialize face-to-face caused by readily available means of creating antisocial individualism in the form of the internet, I thought it was time to "join" the crowd and begin a  blog.
No one in particular cares about the opinions of a stranger, yet people still maintain reading blogs, taking in the ideas and thoughts of others. There is some sort of morbid curiosity that leads us to do this, because we no longer communicate as readily with real people as we were forced to do before the advent of the internet.
I myself have no interest in other people, like most these days. I have been an introverted thinker for as long as I can remember, deliberately leading people to believe I was either too immature or too aloof to pick up on anything of consequence. Not of a desire to be malicious, but simply because I feel people that really want to know you will dig deeper and seek out the truth. They will recognize that you're being misleading, misdirecting them, and will want to know what the reality is.
I value people with curiosity and determination, drive and interest. I have made many very good and very close friends over the years, but I've never just said whatever I feel like, whenever or however I please.
Therein lay the lure of the blog, the quasi-anonymous means of unleashing your thoughts and feelings on the world, whatever it many be. Also a means of cataloging your interests, indexing your developing tastes.
I have never been able to keep up with a diary, I tried LiveJournal, DeadJournal, posting on my personals or just occasionally writing myself emails.
I watch my friends, read their own blogs and journals on occasion, and sometimes wish I could say something myself about a subject. Or just get a little bit out about an adventure I had. Or rant and rave about something that upsets me.
So here it is. My first - and likely only - blog. I will post when I feel like, about what I feel like. I don't know how often. I don't know how it should be rated, and I highly doubt it will always - if ever - be peaches and cream.
I know one day I'll go back and read it and laugh at myself, feel humiliated, maybe disappointed. Hopefully as it goes I will change and one day I can look back at the turning points of my life and recognize in my text where my thoughts and emotions altered with the wisdom I gained on my journey.
I promise this will be full of pretentious, facetious, egregious writing that you might enjoy simply for how pompous it becomes. It will never be only about myself. Sometimes it will be about others. Sometimes I'll put people on blast because something needs to be said, even if I know I won't feel like that forever. Sometimes I'll review a movie or game, and not give a damn what you think about my opinion of it. Most times I'll just write because I'm rubbed the wrong way and need to get it out.
Whatever your reason for reading this, I wish you luck! Feel free to comment, of course. If I'm allowed to place my opinion out there, why can't you? Especially if you know me. Sometimes someone should yank my reins and help me slow my roll, right? That's what friends are for.
Whatever the case, here it is. Day One, Post One.
Good night, and good luck.